The fetishes and perversions do disappear…but only if you stop approaching NoFap the wrong way.
I have a whiteboard on my bedroom wall. It USED to have numbers from 150 (my nofap goal) decreasing every day to zero. It’s the wrong approach. When you have your first day of NoFap…it’s not day 1 of 90 (or 150 or whatever). It’s day 1 of the rest of your life. Because every day is a choice between the wrong choices and a better life. It’s a decision you make every day. Not just with porn…with laziness, with alcohol, drugs, gambling, whatever. The good news is it gets easier to make the right choices after a while.
Once you’ve replaced your porn addiction with a healthier addiction (i.e. addiction to intimacy with a real person), it’s not so tough to say no to temptation.
That being said, I realised this when I was afraid of fetishes. I had a LOT of perversions…probably quite common in this community. I was turned on by feminisation and cross dressing, humiliation, cuckolding, femdom, emasculation. Pretty much anything that was the antithesis of who I am as a man.
I was worried for a while that I could never leave these fetishes behind…that they’d always plague me. But it kinda clicked one day: your fetishes are rooted in porn. Sure they might be caused by it but more importantly they’re only real in the realm of porn. Once you make the choice (and continue to make the choice) to leave porn behind, the fetishes stop by definition. If they only exist in porn, and you don’t try to bring porn into your relationships with real people, by process of elimination…they can never be an issue again. You just have to make the choice every day to say no to porn.
[Another forum member]
Bro, I have the same fetishes. Been doing it since 15(20 now) and just recently realized how desensitized I am. I’ve been with my current girlfriend for 3 months and I haven’t been able to get hard enough for sex. This is a throwaway account but I’m on day 30 of no PMO and I’m just trying to get rid of all this evil shit.
Be honest with your girlfriend about your addiction. And be prepared for her to leave you. Mine did because I couldn’t fuck her for 3 months. It’s a sacrifice that has to be made.
If she’s understanding, she’ll stick with you and support you…if you’re lucky. Most women at your age won’t. So just be prepared for that.
[How’s your PIED?]
As for PIED…yes and no. Tbh I was always able to get hard. I had more than one issue. I had phimosis (tight foreskin) so every time I tried sex I associated it with pain. I had performance anxiety (because I never told my ex about my addiction and PIED psyched me out). I used to try to have sex mostly when I was drunk or high. Since then I’ve obviously started NoFap, I don’t touch any drugs and if I drink at all it’s like once a month and it’s very little. Yes I’ve found it’s much easier for me to get hard now.
I was at this club with a girl I’d been flirting with for a while when I used to work with her…and I was ROCK hard. It was just me and her, hidden away from everyone else, just kissing her slowly, softly, her pulling me close. Even now it gets me hard. So yes, in time, PIED diminishes.
But this is important: you shouldn’t expect to be able to get rock hard on command. We’re not fucking teens seeing booty for the first time. I had this expectation when I started NoFap. Everyone is different but me for example, I NEED foreplay to get excited. With that girl in the club, it was nothing to do with her body…we were both fully clothed. It was how she reacted, how she played hard to get before, how she asked me to go somewhere private, the way she touched me and responded when I touched her. The fact that I could feel her heart racing. Little things like that sent me wild that you just can’t experience with porn.
If you plonked me in a room with a naked girl, I probably wouldn’t react instantly. I need to get to know her, talk with her, flirt with her…have that fire.
So yes, PIED goes away. But just be aware that we’re not robots. Don’t be hard on yourself…you might be like me and need a decent amount of foreplay and flirting before you’re ready to go.
As a side note, that’s why I never do one night stands now. There seems to be this expectation that as soon as you take your trousers off you should be rock hard which (unless you’re on Viagra) is impossible.
Once you have a decent streak of abstinence, don’t be afraid to meet someone, get to know her, relax, and if you have that playful chemistry together, go for it. Just don’t go in with an expectation or you’ll psych yourself out and get nervous.
I wanna say for the record, I’m not an authority on sexual psychology. I have no qualifications and all I know comes from internet research, personal anecdotes and what I pick up from my sex therapist.
That being said, sure there are some fetishes that you’re born with. For example, even before porn (and now still) I am really turned on by legs, high heels, stockings, ass. I don’t really consider these fetishes to be honest. They’re just preferences. Same as people with foot fetishes. A friend of mine even has a thing for hands!
What I do consider a fetish (and therefore unhealthy) is things like I’ve mentioned above…things that compromise your moral character.
And most fetishes that I’ve come across that are not just preferences but are fully perverse…that A) have little to do with love and intimacy and more to do with fear, insecurity, trauma and B) all find their genesis in porn.
my opinion on fetish vs. preference.
I think it’s pretty natural to have a high heel fetish. It accentuates women’s legs, butt and curves. Pretty normal thing to like. It’s a preference.
When it gets twisted is when you start thinking “omg let me lick the dog shit off your heels”.
Fetish vs. preference. Worth remembering.
You never really know who you are till you’ve abstained from porn and masturbation for a long while. I’m still finding out who I am and it’ll probably take me a long time after this.
be rebellious. But do it with someone else.
Even though I was still balls deep in my addiction at the time, I remember the thrill and power of sliding my hand up my ex’s dress in the dark when we were at the cinema with people only a few feet away and watching her try to stifle her moans. This isn’t a brag btw, she eventually left me because of my porn addiction.
Nevertheless, there are ways to satisfy our desire for rebellion and taboo. It doesn’t have to be in the secrecy of a twisted fetish porn world.
the more you abstain the more you weaken that neural pathway till eventually you are only as susceptible to those fetishise as everyone else. It can take years. Up to a decade (recall the last time you actively tried to forget something…it still crops up years later). But over time the strength of your habits and memories wane till they disappear.
I went to an infantry officer induction day. It was the LAST place I expected to meet someone. But this girl was sat next to me (I think she wanted to join SigInt or something) and we were flirting all the way through this presentation. It was fucking electric.
Just take your mind off it man. Tell yourself that you’re not ready. And funnily enough, when you’re in that mindset, you’ll be surprised what kind of places you’ll meet potential partners.
Not that I’m suggestion you seek out an officer commission to get laid
Worth noting though:
Obsession = unhealthy addiction and need for love from partner.
Love = the ability to be comfortable to be alone, but choosing to spend it with someone regardless.
LINK – The fetishes and perversions do disappear…but only if you stop approaching NoFap the wrong way
By 2ltstark
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