[History of my PIED, 2022]
Im 25 years old and i watched porn since my teens like many of us here. It escalated over the years into hardcore fetishes (femdom). In the end this was the only thing i could get an erection.
In my life i had so far 3 attempts to have sex with 3 different girls.
My first time sex (attempt) was when i was 19 in my studies after a party at our flat. I could not get it up and i wasn’t aroused that night. I blamed alcohol and thought she was maybe not attractive enough back then. I was so wrong..
Second sex attempt
was when i was 21 with a different girl i met in my studies abroad. This was an insane hot girl. She looked like a super model. Cute face really athletic body. and really nice personality.
Of course, No arousal, no erection even tho i was super attracted to her. I knew something is messed up badly and i somewhat knew it had to do with my porn addiction/fetishes. She was super nice and gave me a second chance. I went to the doctor first.
As many of you know. Many doctors are not well educated on this topic. But i also have to say that i didn’t mention the porn use so somewhat my bad. Doctor did a blood test.
It turned out not only fine but super good blood values like someone that is healthy and does sport. She then prescribed me some viagra as we both thought its like a performance anxiety and i need some help to get self confidence.
I took the pills and slept with the girl again. I was able to get it up and it was the first time i had penetrational sex in my life. I got it up due to first time using viagra from the arousal that i got by cuddling with her.
Later when penetration i felt that there was not real arousal. I had an erection but no real arousal led to not being able to climax.
What some could think as something good when you can last really long is in reality a bit weird in my experience. I ended up climaxing by her giving me a hand job and me fantasizing about porn…..
Third time
trying to have normal sex was this year with 25. Met a girl on a party and we really liked each other.
We met again at her place the next weekend after the party. I brought some viagra as i wanted to prevent the worst (of course i did not tell her and took it in the bathroom).
This time not even the viagra worked. I mean it worked but when trying to penetrate i immediately lost the erection. This was so frustrating…
The thing is that girls blame themselves. She was nice but i knew that she was feeling bad. I told her that its not because of her and blamed stress and stuff.
I didn’t feel confident to tell her the real reason. Some days later she told me via text that its not going to work with us but that it was not because of the failed sex but because we didn’t click.
Felt really bad that day. I knew that this was because of my porn addiction but i was not able to stop. I thought this is just my sexuality and that i need to find someone with same fetishes.
[Educating myself]
In June this year i finally found out about YBOP from Gary Wilson and his ted talk. Man this was the biggest eye opener in my life. Since that day i actually was able to overcome porn (15. June 2022). In end of July, i masturbated once to vanilla fantasies not porn (26. July 2022). Since that day no PMO.
94 days passed since i was last time watching porn. So far i can say that quitting porn for the rest of my life is super important. Last 90 days have been a roller-coaster but all in all i realize how i am healing and i am doing better in all kine of aspects in life. Most important is that my mental is getting better and better.
I still have cravings sometimes, especially next day after drinking when i am hangover. My porn addicted fetish brain pathways are still there and very strong. They get less strong but i will need at least double the time or even longer to be confident about rewiring. I am still in a flatline.
I realize that this is the right path as my vanilla brain pathways are starting to grow a little bit. Its like you compare a fully grown tree (porn brain pathway). With a small sapling that is my vanilla brain pathway.
Its yet only small sapling but for most time of my life i thought that i only have this fetish attraction. So this small sapling is such a milestone for me.
[Current]
Day 178 [no porn, no masturbation]
Had successful sex with my girlfriend using Viagra Saturday and also today (Sunday) not using it.
My horniness is at around 30-40% but i am able to still get strong erections form touch and feel
It is getting better.
Real sex is indeed a completely different sport than porn. and i love it. i want to become good at it.
There is light at the end of the tunnel
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