Struggling

I’ve been addicted since 15, Started fighting Since 18. I’m now 24 and here’s a summary of what worked for me:

• At 17 yo, for the 1st time in my life, I was sweet on a girl, I couldn’t betray her with porn so for 7 days I stayed away from porn until she didn’t want to continue with me because of her family, I relapsed.

• At 18 yo, I found howtostopmasturbation.com, An article on the website suggested to go on a vegan diet, I did, abstained from porn for 7 or 8 days, then I relapsed.

• At 19 yo, I read a book on sexual fantasizing and mental related issues, It helped me fight porn for about 8 days or so, I relapsed again, I don’t mention the book’s name because it might do more harm than good, it only helped with fighting porn but it makes other new mental problems for you.

• At 20 yo, I saw a 2 min inspirational video about how pornography makes you a slave and that you should just let go of it, it helped me for more than 20 days, it was great, then I relapsed.

• At 21 yo, I learn how streaking can help a lot, so here’s what I did:

Note 1: I kept a separate streak log for each of the following:

Note 2: I didn’t start all the following in one day, it was a very slow progress, I quit things procedurally and started new habits procedurally as well, they say to kill a bad habit you should replace it with a good habit. I usually watch porn because I had a lot of free time, and you if don’t occupy your mind for thinking and doing good stuff, your mind will occupy you to do bad stuff like porn.

– I quit gaming, music, watching TV series/movies.

– I pushed myself to read books, learn a new language (German in my case) with Duolingo on a daily basis.

– I quit junk food, cared for my appearance and well being, shaving on a weekly basis etc. to help boost my mood.

– I used to study to learn a new skill which I could make money with (in my case it was learning to code but to this date I still don’t know how to code and instead now I know video production techniques although I haven’t made more than 100 bucks from it).

– I used to pray (It helped a lot).

– I used to do workouts with workout apps on my phone and in two months I lost 15 kgs, I was 75 kgs, and by the end of second month I was 60 kgs. But I should note that, the apps had some women do the instruction videos, It usually tempted me a lot, but I was able to keep myself from giving in.

– I was so depressed and suicidal before starting these streaks that I didn’t even care to brush my teeth, but with the streaks I was in such a bright mood, that I’d brush my teeth two times a day!

– Some days I would not eat lunch to help strengthen my will against my body’s needs.

– Sleep schedule is very important, I used to sleep on 11 PM and wake up at 7 AM. I knew that I used to do porn after 11 PM when everybody is getting ready for bed, so having this schedule was awesome.

– To help strengthen my willpower, I would only eat when I was hungry, and I would stop eating before I was full, this is important because I would take in as much as needed when needed and not eating with full stomach out of habit.

Now this was all going very well, until… until it was summer break and I wanted to give myself a gift for staying away from porn so I installed a game… This damn game ruined my streak and ruined my life… Although I was very careful with choosing what to watch and what to do, this… I didn’t see this coming, I didn’t know this game had “followers”, a woman that would follow you around, well I don’t want to go further in detail, suffice to say that this follower thing sparkled thinking about women and intimacy and stuff and it drove me mad, I realized that it’s going to ruin my streak and tempt me back to porn so I immediately uninstalled but I think it was too late, it was summer and I needed some fun and the temptation was too strong, I held myself for two days and on the third day I just couldn’t… I slowly started searching for female stuff on google.. I didn’t go straight to a porn website, no, it was very slow, tempting me, killing me…

• Two years later at 23 yo, I was sick of myself, I just had no willpower to fight porn back, I just didn’t want to fight it back, not after what happened, not after the relapse, I started gaining weight, I was 75 kgs again after two years, I was failing university again, I kept deteriorating in every aspect of my life, my health conditions were and are still terrible. I remember I knew that 101 days streak was a one shot, and that if I relapse I’d lose my life forever but the temptation was too strong and went a wrong path because of that game. So to make a start over, I promised myself that if I relapse again, I would donate 300$ to charity, I relapsed after about 7 days and I donated the money.

• Some weeks later I thought I should do the same thing again, I promised that if I relapse this time I’d donate 500$, which after about 20 days I relapsed again, and I donated the money, my mind is so weak now, I blame everyone for my loss although I know I’m the only one accountable. I keep cursing life and everyone for days, and for a moment I come to my senses and remembering that I’m the one responsible.

• At 24 yo, I went on a trip for 3 days, It helped me abstain for 10 days and that was it, I relapsed.

Here I am lost and fragile. Found NoFap, I think this could be a chance. Although I’ve wasted so many years of my life, I might still have a chance, but I don’t have the right state of mind, I still don’t *want* to change. I sleep more than 10 hours a day, and because of that my back hurts a TON, I am sleep deprived, when I wake up at morning I just don’t want to get up, I stay in bed until noon, sometimes more, I just lost all hope, I have no motivation to accomplish anything. I have lost my personality, my mind is weak, my memory is so weak right now, I can’t remember most things. I’m a sloth now, It’ll take so much time to do my simple chores, not to mention if I try to do something important. My eyes have weakened so much, I can’t keep my eyes open after I masturbate, they hurt so much. My eyesight is broken. My body is failing…

Just remember that rebooting after any relapse is going to be harder each time and the gap between relapsing and rebooting could get wider each time, so I hope my story helps you out.

TL;DR: Don’t relapse, if you did, don’t beat yourself up over it, forget and move on.