Overcoming PIED
Many men in the early stages of recovery from porn addiction struggle to enjoy any kind of self-touching without falling into the trap of replaying old porn scenes in their head or fantasy. For some, the thought that you actually could enjoy masturbation again without a brain full of images or fantasising about someone you’re attracted to feels completely impossible. But it’s not.
As you’ll know from the other pages on this site, one of many problems with internet porn is that it wires your brain to a dependency on porn as a source of stimuli and can numb your pleasure response to other activities, including self-focussed masturbation. For those of you who’ve been watching porn since puberty, you may never have experienced orgasm without porn and like many clients I’ve worked with you may consider the whole idea of fantasy-free masturbation bizarre. But let’s look at the good old days before the internet.
Most guys who weren’t brought up with high speed porn first discovered the joys of masturbation purely through touch. They touched themselves in a certain way and it felt good and so they touched themselves some more and bingo! As the years passed, they were most likely introduced to pornography in some way and that might occasionally be a ‘special treat’. Similarly they would see people they were attracted to and might have thought about them too, but their initiation into masturbation was through the pure pleasure of the sensations they could create for themselves through touch. And hence, it’s an experience they can return to. For guys brought up with high-speed porn, it’s a new skill you can learn.
In the early stages of re-booting, many find it easier to stop masturbation all together. And some, especially those who are in a relationship, decide that that they can live without solo sex. But for those who are single, or those who want to include masturbation in their sexual repertoire, either now or after a period of abstinence, learning mindful masturbation is essential for ensuring recovery. What follows below is an outline of how it’s done, but first – imagine this.
You’re sitting down to eat your favourite meal. A delicious, mouth wateringly, satisfying meal. Do you – A) put the TV on and shovel it into your mouth whilst watching a cookery show? B) eat it with no distractions but visualise eating something else? Or – C) rid yourself of all distractions and eat it whilst relishing every taste and texture? The answer is of course C. You would eat it ‘mindfully’ and that’s what you’re going to learn to do now with another favourite pastime!
The exercises below are based on self-focus exercises that are widely used by sex therapists to help people become more aware of their physical sensations and increase receptivity to touch. And most importantly, by focussing on the physical sensations, your mind can remain in the present moment, rather than filling your brain with visual images. In sex therapy, these exercises are used to treat erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation and premature ejaculation, but they are equally effective in treating PIED when combined with giving up porn.
Before you start, be aware that these exercises take time and practice. You will probably find your thoughts wandering, but when they do, bring your focus back to what you’re doing and feeling. It may be frustrating at first and feel weird, but as you continue to practice your brain will gradually rewire to touch as the source of arousal, rather than porn.
Exercise 1- General body awareness
To get you started, you should try and do this exercise at least 3 times a week for a couple of weeks before moving on to exercise 2. Before you begin, switch off the phone and if there are other household members around, tell them you are not to be disturbed. This is your time – protect it.
First make sure you have plenty of hot water and your bathroom is nice and warm.
When you’re ready, begin by running yourself a bath. (If you don’t have a bath, a shower will do). Choose your favourite bath foam or oil. Now step in and relax.
Focus on enjoying the warmth of the water on your skin. Notice whether you feel the temperature differently on different parts of your body. How does moving the water around over your body feel? Now, using your hands or a sponge and soap if you wish, begin to clean your body all over. Notice the different textures of your skin and the areas that feel most sensitive to your touch. Do different touches liven you up or relax you? For a little while longer, continue to just enjoy the sensations of the water. If your mind begins to wander, just gently bring it back to the present moment.
When you have finished your bath or shower get dried using a warm towel. Focus on how it feels to dry yourself. Does your body prefer being rubbed softly or hard? What about patting yourself dry? Maybe the feelings are different on different parts of your body. Take your time – dry each part of your body in turn – even in-between your toes. When you have finished, think about how you feel. Relaxed? Invigorated? Pampered? If you feel guilty or silly having spent so much time on yourself, remind yourself that you are rewiring your brain and creating a new map of sensory touch. Remember also what your goal is, to reclaim your sensuality and sexuality from its dependence on porn.
Exercise 2- Increasing receptivity to touch
Begin by repeating Exercise 1. When your body is dry, choose a favourite body lotion – you may prefer unperfumed or you could choose an oil. Now, smooth the lotion into your skin starting at your face and working slowly down to your toes.
Consider what kind of touch different parts of your body enjoys. Experiment with different pressure and different strokes. Notice what direction of stroke your body prefers. Also take some time to become aware of different body temperatures, for example you’ll probably find that your chest is warmer than your calves. Notice also the varying textures of your skin and varying hair coverage. Move your hands down now to focus more specifically on your lower abdomen, hips, buttocks and inner thighs. Experiment with different types of touch. Become aware of what pressure and strokes feel most comfortable to you?
Now focus on your genital area and take your time. Remember that the purpose of the exercise is to become more aware of the sensation of touch. You may find yourself getting aroused or you may not – it doesn’t matter. First, feel the texture of your pubic hair. Run your fingers over your penis and scrotum. Notice the different textures and the weight in your hand. Notice the different temperatures. Can you feel a change in temperature as you continue to touch? As before, if your mind wanders, gently bring it back. Don’t judge yourself harshly, this is a new skill and it will take time.
When you have finished, hopefully you will have learnt some new things about yourself – or confirmed things you already knew. How do you feel emotionally? Are you relaxed, stimulated?
Exercise 3 – genital arousal
First repeat exercises 1 and 2 – but this time you don’t need to spend quite so much time focussing on the other areas of your body. Just spend long enough to make sure you are feeling relaxed and focussed.
Now spend some time touching your lower abdomen, hips and buttocks in a way that you already know your body enjoys. Begin to move slowly towards your genitals and explore. If you press in above your penis you can feel your pubic bone. Now place your thumb behind and one finger in front of your scrotum, just below the penis and above the testicle. Squeeze gently and you will feel the tube that connects the testes to the urethra, near the base of the bladder (vas deferens). Now gently stroke your penis, scrotum and the area behind your scrotum (perineum). Play close attention to the sensations produced.
Try different types of touching. Be aware of which stokes and touches are most sensitive. Note which areas of your penis or scrotum are more sensitive than others. Take your time and learn as much as you can. Some people find it easier to stay focussed if they watch what they’re doing
If you become aroused, use the chance to note any changes taking place. Arousal makes you feel warmer and sometimes flushes can be seen in the chest and neck. Your scrotum will probably darken and the skin thicken. Your testicles will rise up and move closer to your body. Your penis may darken and veins stand out as they fill up. The colour changes may only be obvious on fair skin. If you do get an erection, do you know exactly what touch produced it and what touch maintains it? If you don’t get an erection, don’t worry about it. You can either choose to continue, or if your mind is wandering, go and do something else.
If your arousal is increasing and you would like to ejaculate, stay focussed on the sensations in your genitals and throughout your body. Is your breathing getting heavier? Can you notice the kind of touch that gets you closer to the tipping point, and the kind of touch that keeps it at bay? Take your time, keep focussed. You may find yourself getting frustrated if it’s taking longer than usual, but this is totally normal. If you begin to lose your erection, don’t worry, you can either repeat the exercise another day or return to the kind of touch that you have already learnt that stimulates you.
Remember, the goal of these exercises is to retrain your brain (and your penis) to respond to touch, rather than to porn. Not only will this allow you to enjoy porn and fantasy free solo sex, but it will also help you to stay fully present with a partner and increase your bodies’ responsiveness to their touch. If you’re still struggling in spite of being porn free and using these exercises, you might find it beneficial to book some sessions with a sex therapist who can tailor make the exercises for your individual needs.
Paula Hall, is a sexual psychotherapist who specialises in sex and porn addiction. She is author of Understanding & Treating Sex Addiction (Routledge 2012) and creator of the Kick Start Recovery Programme at www.sexaddictionhelp.co.uk
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