LINK – 15 observations/tips/pieces of advice from ~8 years of my pornfree journey
by seatint
As a follow up to my 5 month post, I want to share what I’ve learned and what has worked for me so far to maintain long term success.
- Just because you have an urge or did x y or z on the path to relapse, does not mean you have to relapse.
- Urge surfing taught me this very valuable lesson: you can choose to sit and live with discomfort, allowing it to come and go on its own. Feelings are only as strong as we attach ourselves to them.
- Whenever it gets close or bad to relapse or an undesirable behavior, put a 5 minute timer and stop doing anything. It will feel very uncomfortable because you will be bursting with energy, but at the end, you will come off your temporary high and realize wow, that was about to be a really bad decision
- You can always choose to do what will help you in the long term, rather than reaching for something that numbs the pain now, but only makes it worse in the end
- Addiction does not play by the rules, nor does it use logic. So stop trying to reason with it.
- A pattern I went through and many also is that after a relapse, you puff up your chest and write a lot of reasonable statements about how this is the last time and you’ll never use again, etc. etc. The hard truth is: addiction doesn’t care about your pristine logic. It appeals to your emotions and your insecurities.
- When you switch to addiction mode and want that hit, your wired brain will likely not respond to the amazing reasonable responses, or even logs of what happened in the past, no matter how honestly or accurately you wrote them
- We often relapse due to unmet or chronically neglected needs. Take a look at tip 9 below for HALT-B.
- Relapse is gradual, and happens in three stages: emotional, mental, and physical.
- Relapse prevention is a video I would consider required viewing to understand the mechanics of relapse and how to prevent it
- Physical relapse, or using porn, is what we traditionally call a relapse and what causes us to reset our counters, but it is the final stage in chronic self-neglect.
- Key lesson: you can prevent physical relapse by addressing the root causes of your relapse pathways, and it’s as simple as taking better care of yourself
- Tools for preventing or stopping acute physical relapse include: urge surfing/meditation, 5 minute do anything except relapse/ do nothing timer, going for an immediate walk in wide public view, calling a friend to talk about anything, asking for help on r/pornfree or any trusted source, etc.
- I can’t list all of them here, but as you see: you have many choices when physical relapse stares you down.
- The solutions that worked best for me has been those that involve slowing down and connecting with myself by just breathing and relaxing; or, by connecting with people I know and moving myself to public spaces where it’s impossible for me to relapse
- Key lesson: physical relapse is often a choice, a bad choice, that we make at our most vulnerable
- Prevent relapse before it even happens by rearranging your life around positive behaviors, instead of orgasm.
- A hard lesson I learned was that I couldn’t make progress because I was still organizing my life around orgasm or getting off by obsessing about the days and thinking constantly about how long it’s been since I masturbated. So I would rearrange everything to ensure I wouldn’t masturbate, which was a recipe for disaster.
- A more sustainable plan that has worked for me has been to rearrange my life around the people and things I love, all the things that make me genuinely happy. This can be anything, and for me it’s organizing my schedule around seeing friends, spending time with my wife, and having ample time for hobbies and single player video games.
- Negative behaviors are very often ritualized and begin a lot sooner than the bad thing we’re trying to avoid. Look into the chain of causality and break it early in the chain.
- Back when I started, relapse started as soon as I got home; I would always immediately turn on the computer, and then procrastinate on other needs like eating, showering, and so on. The act of just doing that immediately upon getting home was the catalyst, and I identified that I had to stop doing that.
- I used to also complain about not getting sleep, but I also complained about never having quality time to myself. Both were addressed with a simple fix I am still working on implementing: before taking time to browse the Internet or do anything “relax”-y after work, do all the things you need to do before going to sleep first–eat, shower, brush teeth, etc.–so that the last thing you absolutely need to do is sleep. This makes relaxing time a lot more relaxing.
- Literally rearranging your room can break the associations you have with porn by scrambling the order in which you experience your room. Simply moving your desk or bed can give you a fresh start to reorganize your relationship with your living space to one that’s helpful to your recovery
- When addressing problems, look at the conditions that surround the issue, and not just the issue itself. You might find that particular conditions set you up for failure more than others. For example, sleeping less makes me more vulnerable to relapse, but I sleep less because I find myself itching for alone time. So, I am implementing the “finish all needs before relaxing” strategy, which cascades into many positive benefits at once. In other words: identify a point of change that is actionable; telling yourself to change the thing you want to change is not an action plan by itself, and self-reflection helps a lot here.
- Think of who you are at 90 days, and realize that you can be that person right now.
- 90 days, or whatever milestone, is not going to be a magic number that heals you of all ailments, be it PIED, depression, social anxiety, ED, etc.
- Physical symptoms like flatline or others disappear with time, often in the order of 1 or 2 months pornfree, whereas personal or psychological issues require focused action, reaching out for help, and self-reflection to overcome
- The benefits you read about that are other than physical, like self-confidence, come from learning to live without the ability to numb yourself with porn
- Develop a vision of yourself and let your imagination run free about the awesome person you can be, and strive to be that person today, and every day moving forward
- We become our best selves by pursuing the vision of who that best self is today, and every day
- Addiction is most often rooted in a need to disconnect and to numb. The opposite of that is connection, and reaching for help.
- Therapy, if it’s an option, is useful to help address root causes–like past trauma–and to learn coping mechanisms under the guidance of a professional
- Simply reaching out to people in our lives, be it friends or family, can be very healing in of itself, and something I recommend in a serious recovery plan
- Seriously, reach out for help. It is a sign of strength, and learning to recognize resources and use them is a fundamental recovery skill, and one I neglected for many years
- Accountability groups and buddies are very good for keeping yourself in check.
- Address your acute needs through HALT-B
- I modified the traditional HALT with a B to mean: am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, or Bored? Whenever you feel a relapse coming, ask yourself if you are any of HALT-B, and address those first, before you do anything else.
- Learn to be sensitive to your needs and to recognize that you are worth love and dignity, so you can always choose to express that through targeted self-care, no matter what your obligations are telling you “should” be doing
- Sometimes, you’re just so overwhelmed you can’t answer the HALT-B question. In this case, you know for sure you are in danger of relapse, no matter what you think or don’t think. Go seek help from a friend or loved one to help you reset and get to a better place where you can take care of yourself.
- I like to call it HALT, plan B! Mainly as a reminder that I can choose to help myself now with an emergency plan if need be.
- Reframe negative language by using positive, choice-empowered words: I want, I choose
- Imperative language turns recovery work and generally positive behaviors into a chore: “I have to be pornfree because I can’t live this way”; “I must go to sleep at X time”; “I need to exercise or else I’ll never get better”. This makes recovery an uphill battle, rather than a lifestyle and path we walk on because we’re choosing a better life.
- Reframe desirable actions in a positive, affirmative tone using “I want” and “I choose.” For example: I want to exercise because it makes me feel good. I’m choosing to say no to porn because I have better ways to address my needs (then check HALT-B!). I want to be pornfree because it enables me to be my best for others and for myself.
- Whenever you find yourself struggling, observe what you tell yourself. You’ll often find yourself beating yourself up using imperative tones: “I should be doing this. I have to be doing this. I need to be doing this.” If you notice this, think about what you really want, and then say it or write it. “Okay, so my habits haven’t been the best. But that’s OK: because right now I want to eat and take a shower, so that’s what I’ll do.” The point is that it helps you move forward and let go instead of staying stuck in a cycle of negativity.
- If you choose to incorporate this, it may feel very awkward at first. It did for me, because I was so used to beating myself up for everything and holding myself to unrealistic standards. Using choice-enabling words like want and choose helps to break that cycle and instead focus on what would help you the most.
- Long term success is built through improving yourself one day at a time.
- Self-reflection is needed to identify root causes of your addiction, and to address them in little steps every day
- Focus on one goal at a time, and celebrate any and all progress you make, no matter how small.
- We are not always going to be 100% in the path forward, and that’s okay! Perturbations make life exciting, and we don’t have to feel beat up just because things don’t go our way. We are more resilient than we think, and we can always choose to be strong, one day at a time.
- It may take a while to establish good habits and to rid yourself of bad ones. But you make progress every day you try. It took me 8 years to make meaningful progress, and now I have several months pornfree in a row under my belt. Luckily, for most people, improvement happens much quicker than that 🙂
- Your general health forms the foundation for recovery.
- I often post here rambling about how I’m trying to improve my life, and that’s because pursuing general health improvements with unwavering passion has improved my life in so many ways.
- Exercise, diet, sleep, and social time are my pillars of general health, and you can make progress in each one with tiny steps.
- For exercise: walk to places or take the stairs (this counts!), and work your activity levels up gradually. For diet, reduce or eliminate junk food, and then incorporate better foods gradually. For sleep: reduce and eliminate screen time 2-3 hours before bed time, and try to sleep around the same time each day. For social time: try to see a friend or loved one at least once a week; I find that even as an introvert, that time really helps me reset and stay happy.
- Don’t try to improve everything at once, and choose one thing to improve a month, taking slow and measurable steps. Low hanging fruit counts!
- You make time for the things you want the most in your life.
- My wife would often say this to me. If you really wanted to do something, you’d make the time for it. Realize that as addicts, we often arrange everything around the possibility of using porn. So instead, make time for the things you really want.
- An application: I really want to sleep better, so I’m going to make time for it by turning off all screens and dimming the lights around 8:30pm. I can do whatever I want in this time, but chances are I’ll want to sleep.
- Find a positive beacon in your life and make time for it. Perhaps it’s church, or a hobby, or a favorite time waster that brings you genuine joy. Whatever it is, realize that time for fun and happiness is key to living a good life. So make time for it!
- Practice forgiveness and gratitude.
- This is a cheesy one that took me a while to accept, but it really helps. Forgive yourself for being at the edge of relapse, but not actually going over. Forgive yourself for not being your best 100% of the time, which is impossible anyway. Forgive yourself for only meeting 1/5 of your goals, because fuck it you met one! Forgive yourself for feeling like a fuck-up because in truth you probably matter a whole damn lot to people you are taking for granted, and to be honest, the world is a better place with you in it. Forgive yourself, because you are worth it, and imperfection just means you are able to become even better.
- Try to take stock of things and people that have made you happy or have been a positive influence in your life. This can be as simple as: “I got up today.” Doing this will help you realize that your life probably isn’t that bad, and perhaps it’s actually quite good. In any case, practicing gratitude every few days (doesn’t have to be every day) helped me celebrate my little victories in earnest more often, and to realize that so many people want me to succeed, even when I don’t want myself to. For the record, I want each and everyone who wants to be pornfree to succeed, so count me in too!
- Learn to love yourself and your body.
- This one is more of my personal opinion, but I believe that accepting who you are and all of your needs is necessary to recovery.
- You are worthy of love, respect, dignity, and happiness, no matter what anyone says or whatever you may be thinking. Chances are, there are people in your life that believe that too.
- Celebrate all progress, no matter how small.
- I know I said this already, but it’s worth repeating. Any progress is progress. Even if all you did was run down the street for exercise, that’s probably better than whatever you were doing before (this was a true story for me). Three hours clean is better than 1 hour (also a true story for me).
- Realize that you probably make progress in some areas of your life even if you don’t make progress in the area that you want to be making progress in.
- To this degree, keeping a recovery log of how your recovery has advanced and ideas for improving is helpful. But don’t log too often; change is easier to see in units of weeks and months, rather than every day.
I hope this was helpful to anyone. The above pretty much summarizes the changes I’ve made to my life and my general approach to recovery. I’m always adding to it and improving it, so perhaps I’ll make another one of these in the far future. Happy February!
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