Girlfriend of a badass fapstronaut (day 135!!!), wanting to share my (our) success story.
Unfortunately, I came across my boyfriend’s porno folder whilst looking for Madmen season 3…whilst he was out with some friends. Long story short, I’d never watched or wanted to watch porn, found it degrading to women and just generally quite horrible. My poor boyfriend had to put up with my disgust and anger and did so valiantly, apologizing and trying to explain to me without success. We went through about 3-5 days of horribleness, I took a HUGE hit to my self-esteem, lots of questioning of my own actions… he felt like he’d ruined our relationship, like the lowest of the low- out of control, a ‘pervert’, unable to explain why or how this came about- a feeling only you guys can probably understand.
Thankfully, and I’m so glad, we stayed glued at the hip during all of this. I wanted to leave many times but I think our decision to stay close and work through the pain together was actually quite incredible. Even though we felt betrayed and wretched, even though I blamed him and hated him- we still consoled eachother when the other was going through a really rough patch and I honestly have never felt closer to him than those days. We made a pact that we would be 100% honest with each other, so I would tell him exactly how I felt and what I thought and he would answer the questions I asked (and I asked a lot, I was at a loss and couldn’t understand for ages…) the best he could (poor darling!).
About 10 days after I found his stash, I was beginning to understand, but asked him to write me a letter, to sit down and think really hard about everything he wanted to say about it, everything that happened and why he thinks it did etc… which was amazing. He really look care with it and I think that was the thing that really made me forgive him- his honesty, his ability to cut through the shame, to deal with my self-esteem issues that suddenly arose (I’d never been bothered with looks really…), to deal with my anger, both our feelings that something amazing had been ruined.
I guess I had been thinking of him as some amazing god-like man who could do no wrong, like this celestial creature of sexiness and manliness and all things awesome, and I felt like this really brought him down to human level. But I slowly realised that his kindness and intelligence and humor and love for me and for our pets and my family and all those things I seemed to have forgotten…and later his strength and courage and humility and honesty when dealing with this horrible blip in his life and our relationship…were what made him my superherosexyman. He began telling me exactly what was going on in his mind when he wanted to fap and why…and we’ve slowly reached the point where he is comfortable talking to me about it and I encourage him to do it within reason (no porns, unless you count a few choice pictures sent from me…).
Ladies (or gents), stick with your fapstronaut. It’s hard at first, but try to understand what they are going through- that they never tried to hurt you, that they are going through this because of the way they were created, and that it CAN be fixed with time and love and care and above all honesty and understanding.
I’m glad this happened in fact. Not for the pain and shame and guilt and unhappiness he suffered of course- but I believe it has made us MUCH stronger.
What helped I think was this:
- Being honest. Trust your partner, even after an initial horribleness, to stay by your side- but you MUST explain, be honest about the addiction, show her/him YBOP etc… Also- ask questions. Try your best to understand and show compassion for eachother.
- Being together! It’s not really something you can tell a friend or family member- but more importantly, you are two sides of the same grief and eachother’s best survival route
- EDUCATE YOURSELF- I joined noFap, read Ybop, googled porn addiction and people who had gone through it…
- OPEN YOUR MIND- However closed (and mine was very closed) to porn and masturbation and this world that you don’t understand. WOMEN- I know this is going to get a lot of ‘sexist’ remarks BUT- men have more testosterone and are therefore hornier in general than we are- this can cause all kinds of horrible discomfort, lack of sleep, headaches… try to accommodate your man/lady and COMPROMISE away!
- MEN- This isn’t WHO you are, it doesn’t define you. What define’s you is the way you confront this feeling of sadness/shame/guilt/unworthiness. It’s the courage and integrity you show the the face of such a vile villain. FIGHT!
TL; DR Found my bfs porn, had a huge relationship breakdown, built it back up together as a team, and he is the most amazing person I’ll ever know.
edit: changed BOYS to MEN after offending a redditor. Apologies, and it’s fixed 🙂
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