I want to reach out to anyone on this forum or reading this who is trying to cast off the yoke of sex addiction. I have suffered with the addiction for over 15 years which has manifested itself in many ways. Effects include/d: compulsively spending hours watching extreme pornography, compulsive masturbation, unstable and negative sexual encounters, visiting prostitutes and so on. I am sure I don’t have to explain to many reading this the suffering which these addictions create not just for ourselves but for those around us.
In the times where I felt I had little or no control over my sexual cravings nor indeed had any willingness to curb them, I was totally in the grip of the addiction. I look at this time now as a period of almost complete unconsciousness. I was unaware of what I was doing to myself: physically, mentally and spiritually.
I suffered suicidal depression all made worse by habitual cannabis smoking and drinking. I often thought that my depression, paranoia and general sense of anxiety was solely due to the cannabis or drink, however I realised later as I began to withdraw these intoxicants the role that compulsive sexual behaviour played (even more so when discovering the work here).
In the past two or so years I have managed to make real progress with sex addiction. I stopped visiting sex chat rooms and porno sites completely. I also began the path towards stopping habitual masturbation (something I am still working on). I will say here that determination on its own was not sufficient for me to start changing behaviour.
The greatest aid has been, and is, the knowledge and application of mind body awareness (or mindfulness, consciousness). It was the realisation about the nature of the relationship between me (the observer) and my mind which gave me the greatest insight and a powerful tool to overcome the negative behaviour patterns that sexual addiction creates. And I am still learning everyday!
So what you might ask is mindfulness and how does one go about practicing it? Well I’ll do my best to explain…
Basically all addictions to something—be it eating chocolate cake or a watching porn—are not actually an addiction to the thing which we think we want (the cake or the porn). What we are actually motivated by is either an unpleasant sensation (which we want to get rid of) or a pleasant sensation (which we seek more of).
So in the instance of a cake when we eat it, we may get a pleasant sensation, which we attach ourselves to. Most of the time we are not aware of this pleasant sensation but think that it is the mental image of cake that we like so much. Now, an example of how unpleasant sensations can dictate our behaviour: addicts experience certain types of withdrawal symptoms which are manifested in the body as unpleasant sensations. It is an unconscious reaction to these sensations which lead the addict to do more of their vice in order to get rid of the sensations (which of course is only a temporary solution).
So why does any of that matter? What is the virtue in recognising that you are reacting to a sensation rather than a mental image of something? Well the reason it is significant is because it holds the key to unlocking ourselves from unconscious reactions to the sensations and therefore freeing ourselves from slavery to our addictions.
This process works because when we become aware of the underlying, sometimes very subtle, sensations relating to a thought (e.g. sexual fantasy that pops into the mind), image (e.g.: an erotic stimulating one) or perhaps a sound (or combination of all three) we become consciously aware of the effect that these sensory perceptions are having upon the body. When we become consciously aware of these sensations, we can put the whole power of our concentration on them and see them for what they really are: just sensations occurring within the phenomenon that is the body. And it is this objective, detached approach to the sensations within the body which can give us the power to change the way we react and not react to the sensation; just simply observe it.
I have struggled for a long time with sensations relating to sexual addiction. Unpleasant withdrawal sensations have taken place and unconsciously to get rid of them, I have gone and made the problem worse by engaging in PMO. I would always think to myself, “There must be a way to get rid of these unpleasant sensations.” Likewise if I see, hear or think something sexually stimulating I may experience pleasant sensations after I reacted unconsciously through masturbation & orgasm I have found myself thinking, “How can I get rid of these addictive sensations? ”
What has changed for me is not the presence of these sensations, but now an acceptance of them. A recognition has occurred that these sensations will come and go through life. There will probably always be moments when you see, hear or think of something that generates pleasant sensations in the body or you experience an unpleasant sensation following some sensory input. But by looking at these sensations rationally & scientifically, we create the opportunity to make a ‘space’ around it, to bring consciousness into it.
A practical daily example of this for me is when I am in bed. Bed has been the place where I would masturbate habitually. Recently I went on a 10 day course where I was taught a technique called Vipasanna (which means ‘seeing things as they really are). This is basically all about observing sensations in the body (not rocket science). Practicing the technique in depth for 10 days just helps you create a discipline which makes it easier to be mindful (there’s no magic bullet here).
So now, when I wake up in the morning, the first thing I try and do is scan and sweep the body with my consciousness. Its amazing when you start to notice lots of different sensations which are often unpleasant or pleasant. I recognize that these are the unconscious motivators which have often led me to masturbate habitually in the morning.
But now I can see the little gremlins, so I can shine a big, infinitely bright light on them, and boy, do they lose their power. Whereas before I was not even aware of their existence so I was just unconsciously succumbing to their influence, now I can put them under the microscope. I realise they are no match for my presence.
Now I don’t want to give people false impressions. I still slip up occasionally and sometimes the gremlins win, but more and more I am finding that with persistence and determination and most of all mindfulness, I have a solution: a way out. So I want to share this with everyone here because I have lived in hell and am working on leaving that realm completely for ever.
Reading Eckhart Tolle’s: The Power of Now, provided much insight and wisdom into how to be mindful. Definitely the Vipassana meditation have proven to be extremely helpful (although best not to get attached to it!). There are centres teaching it all around the world on a donations basis (they don’t hassle you for money). It is non-sectarian (they don’t sell a religion either). For more info on Vipassana, you can visit: http://www.dhamma.org/. I did my course in Hereford in the UK. It was tough but well worth it.
Anyway I hope that this info provides some help to anyone who may be reading this (this knowledge can be applied to all of life’s challenges). If you have any questions about it just send me a message and I’ll be glad to reply.
Below, I have pasted an essay on the role of mindfulness meditation in the treatment of sexual addictions that I found on the website of the Royal College of Psychiatry (in the UK).
I wish all people everywhere who are trying to end their suffering (and those who aren’t) the very best.
FINAL NOTE: everything I have written is from personal experience. Do not believe anything I have written blindly. Go and do your own investigations. Give it a shot. You can neither endorse these statements nor deride them until you have properly scrutinised them from within the framework of your own experience. So I suggest you try it out and see for yourself.
A Role for Mindfulness Meditation in the Treatment of Sexual Addictions
by Dr. Kishore Chandiramani
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