♦Tools to Connect With Others

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Connections with friends can ease porn addictionCourage isn't having the strength to go on - it is going on when you don't have strength.”
― Napoleon Bonaparte

Said one recovering user:

There are a lot of places where you can get used to being out and around people but are pretty nonthreatening as far as social interaction goes. Hang out and read in a library or bookstore, or take a magazine to Starbucks or a park bench. Or just take long walks outside. I find that making stuff like this a habit helps get me out of my own head and makes me feel like more of a member of society.

The next step is to look the people you pass in the eye and smile. Then try eye contact with women when walking through the mall or around your campus. Next, try smiling with eye contact. Next, nodding and thinking an unspoken "message" to them, such as, "You look really pretty." Next, say "hi" to a few with a smile. Make a game of it. See if you can improve your "score" each time.

Connection doesn't have to be verbal to be soothing to our tribal-primate brains. Connection and companionship release healthy levels of dopamine and other “feel good” neurochemicals, such as oxytocin, which help balance us.

The gains from connection show up in very real terms. For example, HIV patients with a partner live longer and develop AIDS less rapidly. Wounds heal twice as fast with companionship as compared to isolation. Warm touch between married couples reduces various measures of stress. Yet the most profound gifts of close connection may be psychological. Close emotional connections are associated with lower rates of addiction and depression. They change the neural patterns and brain chemistry of those who engage in them, bolstering their sense of self and making empathy and socialization possible.

Humans cannot regulate their moods on their own, at least not for long. Prisoners in solitary confinement often go insane. In other words, it’s normal to feel anxious or depressed when isolated. As Philip J. Flores reminds us in Addiction as an Attachment Disorder, “Attachment is not just a good idea; it’s the law.” It’s also some of the best health insurance the planet offers. Connection helps reduce the hormone cortisol, which can otherwise weaken our immune system under stress. “It’s much less wear and tear on us if we have someone there to help regulate us,” explained psychologist/neuroscientist James A. Coan in the New York Times.

When recovering users force their attention away from their habitual “relief,” their reward circuitry looks around for other sources of pleasure. First it despairs of ever feeling good again, but eventually it finds the natural rewards it evolved to find: friendly interaction, real mates, time in nature, exercise, accomplishment, creativity, and so forth.

You can speed the recovery process, and start getting the natural neurochemical rewards that come from connection with others. Reach out. Social time with friends is great. Failing that:

Spent every weekend at my parents'. Spent time with them just watching TV. I don't normally watch TV, but being close to them helped. Plus my brother is there, so hung out with him. And last but definitely not least is the family dog. He really knows how to give affection. I'd let him lick my face and we'd play and cuddle. He's a big boy.

But see if you can take it a step farther: How can you get some healthy touch with good boundaries? Exchange foot massages with a friend? Watch a movie with someone you can put your arm around? Spend the night with a snuggle buddy? Share this article with a friend to broach the subject. Said one guy:

I have a female friend with benefits, but the benefits are that she like to come over once a week and just cuddle as we watch a movie. She's a virgin and it's probably a good idea for us to never have sex, given her history. But it's so liberating for me to let go of the pressure I put on myself to have sex. Especially when I developed porn related ED, I always tried to will my penis to get hard so I could have sex. Also I am learning to let go of the NEED to have sex. In the past if a woman that was romantically interested in me was at my place, I would single-mindedly pursue sex. But now I can just relax and be.

Advice from another guy:

I was super shy and socially awkward from the start. Decided to change in my teens. I noted what my social weaknesses where and read articles to fix them. I realized how easy it was to become friends with people if you and they are in a place regularly like class, church, hobby groups, etc. I just make a comment or two when appropriate when we're hanging out as a group. Others respond. And I just say hi and bye to those people from the next day. Eventually, I'm friendly with everyone there and I naturally have a bunch of people who consider me as their friends. It's easy. And yes, I found love too. It was the most natural thing. Look for friends; not love. Everything will fall in place. permalink

Another guy:

How to find (and keep) a girlfriend

Advice from another guy:

How to Talk to Anyone

More advice:

Starting tomorrow, whenever you go to buy something at a store or shop -- a coffee, a box of raisin bran, a new gadget, whatever -- when it's time for you to pay, instead of fumbling around looking for your credit card or cash, look at the cashier and say "how are you?"

And then wait for them to answer. Most of them will say "fine" (just as we all would). A few won't answer because they're so in shock that a customer would do that. But shocked in a good way. And most will smile and appreciate that you actually acknowledge them as a human being.

I know -- stupid, silly...but EASY and before long, you'll be doing it very naturally and you'll be amazed at what this does for you if you have issues with social anxiety or shyness.

Not every step on this journey needs to be profound.

Here's another man's advice:

I have this theory about men and social skills. Most men do not develop their social skills like women do. Women start with developing their social skills during puberty, while hanging out with their friends, talking about boys and other girls. In the meantime, boys at that age just play computer games and sports. That means that if a man wants to become socially as skilled as a woman, he will need to do some catching up at a later age.

However, most guys hook up with a woman, usually through the social circles they're in. It's safe and almost automatic. It is NOT the same as developing your social skills to the point that you can engage in chatter with strangers without any problem. As far as I know, only a small percentage of men actually perform such activities deliberately.

The last two years I spent quite some time on this. Found a nice community of guys working on this. I even followed a workshop which consisted of approaching people on the street. I had to ask simple questions first ("Hi, how do I get to ... ?"), then questions with a bit of a backstory, eventually asking women for advice on lingerie for an imaginary girlfriend. This way you get used to the fact that approaching strangers is usually free of any negative consequences and actually gives a great feeling. Eventually I had to ask a cute girl her phone number within 30 seconds... she refused by saying she had a boyfriend but that wasn't the point, the point was I asked, and it was a real blast!

Still, I can say that the so-called "approach anxiety" never disappears. When you see that gorgeous woman and you're not "socially warmed up", you'll almost always lock up, not knowing what to do.. even had that yesterday. It's just important not to beat yourself up for it.

To warm up, talk to some strangers. The strangers shouldn't even be beautiful women (creating pressure). Heck, it can be even more fun to talk to some older people that may have a nice story or two to share. This will put you in a socially more relaxed mood which will still be there at night. Then you socialize with a whole different mindset.

Another guy's thoughts:

I also have problems connecting with others, which I think are directly porn-related. I've also spent a bit of time trying to find out why I have trouble connecting. From what I've gathered, there are really three things that influence how well one connects with others, two of which one can influence.

Firstly, general social 'ability'. Some call this EQ, I think, and its just how well one can interact with others, how good of a conversationalist one is, how well one can influence the thinking of others, etc. I do think that people generally learn this 'skill', or collection of skills. If one is born into a highly socially-outgoing family, and then have a highly socially-outgoing circle of friends, they will, in all but the most extreme cases, be clever socially. That being said, I do think that one can learn and improve their social ability, by talking to others more; conversing with strangers in all the chances they get, etc.

The second is self-image. You should check out this journal article: "Believing another likes or dislikes you: Behaviors making the beliefs come true". The study essentially found that, when a Someone believed that a random person liked them, after a conversation with this stranger, the Someone ended up genuinely liking that person. Also, the Random Person ended up liking the Someone too. They showed similar results for dislike. It basically builds upon some work done in the 40s, where the idea of people having self-fulfilling prophecies was shown to exist, and that people will try and make these prophecies come true. I suppose that's what the entire self-help industry is built upon Smiling So, self image I think also plays a major part. Actually believing that one is a likeable person (high perceived self-likability) will result in people one interacts with liking them, having more respect for them, more trust, etc.

The next step for me is to try and start working these things into my everyday life. Things like: having the belief that I'm a friendly person, a warm person, etc.; actually believing that others do genuinely like me as a person; seeing people as generally friendly and warm. That's the hard part I've found, because I'm essentially reversing years of negative thoughts. These things also aren't mutually exclusive, and improving one will, I think, bring about improvements in the other - as well as in other ares of one's life.

Porn, I think, is also a problem because it essentially castrates one's chance to improve on these things. I've socialised less when using porn, which stunts my growth as a person in learning to interact intimately with others; my self-confidence is low, and self-image is poor, which means that interactions genuinely don't go well (with strangers, at the very least), this in turn lowers self-confidence drags me further into porn. A vicious, vicious cycle.

The third is that one is sometimes not compatible with another person. Though I do think this is rare, and if one is a friendly, confident person, the problem is probably theirs. Plus, there is nothing one can do about this.

Another guy:

Do ANY type of activity. It doesn't HAVE to be social. Call a friend. That's pretty helpful. Text a friend. Go for a short walk. Hit the coffee shop and people watch or read a book you enjoy. Work with yourself. If you're not already accustomed to socializing, then take it slow. You might not always be able to socialize, but you can always just be around people - go to a public place, window shop, go to Best Buy and try out the new technology/computer/etc. See what's out there.

Advice from a female forum member:

Have you thought about joining a class or group where you have the theme of the class in common with the women attending? It may help to avoid the  awkwardness of starting a conversation from scratch. Classes like yoga, reiki, salsa, singing, meditation and 5 rhythms dance are usually full of women and not as many men. The best thing is that women are often interested in guys who like this kinda stuff!

Another woman said:

Here's what I'm doing: I have some single friends, so I am getting back into physical touch with them. By that I mean instead of interacting through the phone and Facebook, I'm going to meet them in person. And if my friend invites me to a concert or reading, I'll go (despite the cost) because at least I will be meeting more of the creative people who live and work in this city. I'm also going to work on getting out of my house more. I have a laptop, so I can do my teaching prep, fanfic writing somewhere else other than my home. I have a cute little dog who loves to meet people, so I can bring him to parks and use him for a conversation starter.

Check out Meetup.com for your town or region, so you can find groups of people with interests similar to yours. I keep putting it off, but I plan to set up a Meetup group for cosplayers/ anime fans in my city, since one currently doesn't exist.

Becoming a "regular" at certain places of business, i.e. bank branch, supermarket, coffee shop, post office, can help you practice social interactions that make it easier to chat with strangers who become friendly acquaintances.

One guy says, "You can learn social skills at www.charismaarts.com and www.succeedsocially.com ." Also consider the tools below.


Hi, I'm in my 15th day of nofap/no porn. But today I relpased a bit, I had the urge to look at porn, I went on to the site and looked, but I managed to close it off within 5 minutes, and didnt fap. Butits really hitting me hard today, its making it harder as Im not sexually active at the mo and havent got a gf.

Bit of my background, I was fine up to year 2012, I looked at porn like any other guy, but I wasnt adddicted I watched it here and there, it wasnt untill 2013 where I went a bit depressed other life factors affected me, which led me to turn to porn, I was getting addicted, fapping sometimes 5 times a day to porn, and was turning to more extreme porn. The girls I met I was having problems having an erection, I always blamed alcohol or performance anxiety. But till it started to happen more frequently I knew there was something wrong with me. So I found this site and read/watched what was happening with my mind and wanted to change to save my sex life. Im 29 yo, and I dont want to be this way anymore.

Has anyone got tips to stop these urges I'm having? Ive only done 15 days, my 1st week wasnt to bad, but the last few days has been hell, especially today...more urge to look at porn than to masturbate..HELP!

I can beat this, but its going to be flipping tough

Hi gooner, I am 28 years old, male. I reason I try to quit is productivity. I am on day 3 now of no PMO. I used to go for hours just keeping myself at the brim of orgasm. Like an entire day. When I was supposed to be studying or working. I have tried many times to quit unsuccessfully. But after discovering YBOP, my brain seems to finally understand why I must quit this. My first day was hard. I had such vivid pornographic images in my head. The urges got stronger and stronger on day 1. But I just sat and watched. Never reacted. And by the end of the day, I was a nervous wreck, but I somehow managed to sleep. For the first time in a long time, I awoke at 5 A.M. the next day feeling really proud of myself. I had an amazing day. The urges were there, but not as strong as on day 1. And every now and then, I unconsciously fantasize about the women around me, where I work. And this seems to give me a surge of dopamine and gets my heart racing. And then I realised how my poor brain was actually suffering because it was like a puppy which had been overfed all its life and is suddenly being denied any junk food.

My advice to you,
1. Go through the rebooting basics on this page completely. There you will find that you can masturbate without porn depending on the level of self control you wish to achieve.

2. Do not watch porn in any form. The rebooting basics also says that you must not take to any artificial means to stimulate yourself. This includes overtly sexual comics, facebook images of women, craigslist, youtube videos etc. You must stop all of them.

3. Rebooting is not linear. your mood will have it's up and down swings.

4. You must understand why you are doing this completely. You might still be telling yourself that it's not a big deal and hence watched it for those five minutes. But the truth is that this is a very big deal. Porn induced erectile dysfuction is not a joke.

5. again. Please read rebooting basics complletely..

Good luck

This my first time I;m sharing with anyone about this cancer that has took a toll on my life which is porn and masterbation. I have come to realize that I can't accomplish my goals and be in life where I want to be because of this addiction and I know the road to success is tough but its up to me to conquer this addiction and beat it. I cant and wont let this addiction suck the joy out of my life.

After 180 days my reboot got successful ,I am happy to say this .Alcohol helped me to get rid of PMO and now I am quitting Alcohol too You know guys Quitting Alcohol is easier than PMO .PMO is more difficult to quit it needs lot of patience self realization what you actually want in your life real or fake.I was addicted to PMO for 20 years, now I am happy thanks to yourbrainonporn.


i have some A question ?

1-from one year i have (Erectile dysfunction) i go for every doctor ,Urologist,Endocrine glands and i make every Analyzes and test all in normal average he give me viagra also cilis dos not work is that mean any thing??

2- if i stop the porno addicted how many day to back to my normal live

please answer me

thank you

So Ive been really struggling getting high streaks in nofap. I always get to 3-4 days then end up relapsing. Ive tried multiple things but Im not good at all with handling urges, its like im in a trance. I decided to sign up for YBOP and see what its like getting people opinions on my situation and I will hopefully be able to quit this thing once and for all. I will be updating every other day and hopefully can get through these tough times. Wish me luck? Godspeed

When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breath, then you'll be successful -Eric Thomas

i found the nofap about a year ago and i am struggling till today to go with that. it is really difficult to come of this monster thing. every bit of words and the meat you see in the social media and any other in the internet triggers you back to fall into the pit again. my longest streak was about 68 days and still struggling to achieve the 90 days. i was able to achieve these streak was i was busy doing some sports and exams, but as soon as they are completed i will fall back to the same old routine of fapping to the porn.
i even committed the experiment thinking that what would happen if i continue pmo
the results of pmo was astonishing,
1. my drive to do the realistic works doomed
2. i avoided to be social and wanted to watch the porn again and again and even i was edging a lot.
3. i stopped to go to library,
4. i stopped learning blender.
5. i was not able to concentrate on the smaller exams and depended on copying during the exam.
6. i created my own world which had only me, phone, and the bathroom.
7. i was getting the signal that i am turning bad.
8. started to hate myself.
9. friends started say that you have becoming thinner and your dull faced.
10. my skin tone turned dark, cold killed and caused dry skin easily, my eyes were no more attractive.
11. i even stopped working out.
12. when you start watching porn, it means already fell into the pit even at this condition if you are given with the honey it wont suit because the pit with the garbage already grabbed your mouth, really no motivation works on you at this time.
13. it totally acts as drug and kills to the weakness.
14. even web protection which i installed into phone was not able to stop me because i knew how to stop it.
15. i was struck in the middle where i struggled with porn and nofap, i use to masturbate to porn and i was not ejaculating since i wanted to save the semen in me, later i would continue edging till late night, i remember even today i edged till 3:30 in the night watching porn and ejaculated finally in fail.
16. when start watching porn after the long period of time it seems awesome way more watching daily. it is similar to the feel of christmas once in a year. when you start watching it with pledge to not to masturbate, think you are done.
17. staying awake in the night really kills you bad.
finally i tell you this it is not easy to quit porn as you think. because the enemy is not found outside its inside in your brain, just like terrorist they come and trigger you any time baby and you must be ready for it.......

ಕಿಂಗ್ ಆಗ್ಬೇಕಂದ್ರೆ ನೋ ಫಾಪ್ ಮಾಡ್ಲೆ ಬೇಕು

Sounds like you need a list of things to stay busy with when you're in between school demands. Knowing your triggers is very helpful in recovery.

Some of the things that help the most are exercise, meditation, time in nature, socializing, staying offline, and beneficial stressors like cold showers or intermittent fasting. But you have to do them daily to help regulate your mood and get your brain back in balance.

If you need more support, try Rebootnation.org. Or get an accountability buddy on nofap.com.

Be aware that bingeing between streaks can actually deepen addiction: Why is intermittent use (long abstinence with binges) an addiction risk?

So, if you masturbate, do it pornfree and don't binge! How do I masturbate without porn?

Good luck.