Rebooting Advice & Observations

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The following pages contain advice, suggestions and observations from those going through the rebooting process.


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I dunno if I kinda broke the rules a bit, but I decided to go with a real partner after exactly 30 days.

Previously I couldn't sustain erection with a real partner and could not even receive oral from a real partner coz (1) her mouth couldn't stimulate the same as my hand could, and (2) I would lose erection in the middle coz I would get confused "which porn movie" I was role-playing during the action (sound familiar?).

Last night (exactly 30 days with no PMO), I had sustained oral for a LONG period of time, even stopping at times to do my own "giving" (without losing my erection) and then going back to receiving. It was amazing. So much so that my *body* was already tired from the action even if little Johnny was still going! During the action, I still had a few "flashes" in my brain about past porn fantasies/movies I've had but it was 80-90% less than before; hence I could focus on my partner instead of being distracted by "porn in the brain."

I didn't attempt condom-on vaginal penetration coz I wasn't sure I was ready for that yet, and I didn't wana ruin a great thing going (Note: I never had a problem with vaginal penetration without condom, but have had a problem with condom on).

DID I BREAK A RULE? I was lasting so long without orgasm (but with sustained erection) and *body* was getting tired so I eventually moved to something more intense on little Johnny, humping him *on* the vagina of my partner (no penetration coz no condom) until I came on her belly. Anyway, if I did break a rule, I'll consider it a "mild setback" and continue on with this no PMO which WORKS, and maybe enjoy a real partner in another month or so.

The difficult part? Last night was so great that I woke up this morning still thinking about it and having a real strong libido! Was thinking of going back to the same or another real partner today but I think I'll wait again maybe another month just to build up intensity.

(Previously I'd been on intense PMO for maybe 10 years now.)

This thing WORKS GUYS; IT WORKS, IT WORKS!!!

Congratulations on your progress. You are healing. They key for everyone is to avoid artificial and rewire to the real deal.

Does NoFap change your view of girls and relationships?

I mean... I remember how little interest I showed in girls (for the past ten years) because I felt there was nothing for me to gain [sexually]. If I wasn't going to get in bed with her, why bother?

Well, at work yesterday, I more or less had no choice but to talk to a girl I knew. It felt horribly awkward and I felt awful. After work, I got a chance to think about things and realized how great it felt to talk to a girl and that jazz, awkwardness notwithstanding. I felt more "manly" for chatting with her.

I relapsed a day ago BTW. Originally, I was going to PMO after work again. After that, I chose not to.

I'm starting to realize now that I don't have to have a chance at bedding every woman I know to have a legitimate connection with them. I feel better and a lot less pressure knowing that. Had I known that years ago, I wouldn't have lost touch with so many great women that I knew.

Enough looking at the past, I'll take care of that when the time comes; I don't regret it anyway. Now, my goal is to establish stronger connections with the girls I see today, platonic or otherwise.

In any event, has anyone here seen changes in their mind state towards girls and/or relationships?

fapfree03

100%. Not fapping to pictures of girls online that I knew but had no interest whatsoever in dating was a big problem. Mind you this was girls on my facebook, and girls I knew, not randos. I would fantasize about them, but would never, ever date them or want to be with em in real life, while not even seeing how much my girlfriends at the time meant to me. I was much more interested in my fantasy worlds than my life, even when what I had in my life was 100000x better than the people I thought about.

It's a little wordy, sorry if it's confusing.

TL:DR- Yes, 100%. Girls are people, not sex food (Bruce from Nemo voice)

stoenr

Yes. I realized that pornography is an imaginary world, something that doesn't exist, just like cartoons or our dreams. And that people starring in these movies or posing for the photos aren't happy with that. Seriously, who would be happy about the world seeing you naked or having sex?

I also think that girls are just like boys - confused, don't know what to do. We are all one group, not boys and girls. We both don't know what to do when it comes to sexual things like seducing or something like that.

I also perceive women just as women, not like gods or some weird creatures I cannot speak with. They are there, and I am here, they are people, I'm a human too.

Relationships are actually funny to me. Sure, it's fun to be with someone, but I don't see the point when someone says 'it's forever, I love him/her forever, we will be together'. Seriously, people like that should get their shit together and think realistic. When I stopped fapping I realized that I don't need anyone, or any relationship. Sure, it's a fun way to spend time with someone, but it isn't necessary in your life. There are plenty more things to do than being in a relationship.

LP83

My experience is that the communication with women has become more relaxed. I've noticed that women tend to feel less uncomfortable around me during the last month and a half. And the dirty thoughts have subsited which I find a huge benefit in any conversation with a woman!!!

stoenr

Yes, I noticed that too. My dirty thoughts are gone and now I just talk to women like I talk to my bro's.

not_impossibru

I've found that I can view women as humans not as a collection of bits and pieces that I could get off to.

Personally I've never had a "problem" talking to women, but I noticed that I can actually look women in the eye when I talk with them. It's less about what looking at women does for me now - having had to keep that in check so as not to fap etc.

–]jasze

7 days ago i was a pervert and made me difficult to talk because of shit going in my head about imagining them, now its little better for me to communicate with girls. Getting better every day.

 Zeta_Metroid

Yeah, nofap definitely seems to make your thoughts in general, but especially towards women, less hedonistic. Especially if you stop the P in PMO

Louis_DM1

NoFap definitely taught me that internet pornography isn't all it's hyped up to be. It's much better (and psychologically healthier) to establish kinship and a healthy bond with a real woman than some pixelated woman on a screen you'll never meet or have a conversation with.

nofetebutwhatwemake

Yep. All the women disappeared! And at the same time I realized that the world was full of all these people who were just like me (except female)!

(This is a follow up to my earlier 30-day report "30 Days and 90% Successful Sustained Oral")

Now getting erections and strong arousal just by involuntary fantasies of real women I know! Last time that happened was when I was a teenager. I used to think that it left me coz of age and there was no way to get those "awesome days" back again, and that it was "normal" for that type of stuff to leave me. Now I know I was wrong. No PMO rocks! (I'm in my 30s, people!)

(This is a follow up to my 30-day and 40-day reports)

Actually I don't want to use the word 100% success coz I know our recovery is "non-linear," but for the FIRST time in my LIFE (I'm almost 40, btw!) I finally had CONDOM-ON SUCCESSFUL VAGINAL PENETRATION UNTIL ORGASM.

I previously couldn't sustain erection during sex with condom-on (since it didn't "feel like" masturbation which I was used to), and I couldn't sustain erection during a blow job (also coz it didn't feel like masturbation). This erection problem was compounded by "distractions in the mind" about which porn movie I was role-playing during real sex.

LAST NIGHT, I did EVERYTHING: got a great blow job, did vaginal penetration with condom-on, and kept a healthy "recurring" erection during an HOUR-LONG SEXUAL FEAST (on couch, in shower, in bed... yes, 3 locations!) with really HOT and delicious Asian gal (actually she looked kinda like a cute'n sexy Japanese porn star, LOL... but enough of that old life).

I still have around two Viagra pills from my old life (doctor-prescribed 'coz of my previous 'condom-on' erection and penetration problem) but those 2 pills can now GO TO HELL! Good riddance! ^^

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this website and forum.

About 20days ago I charmed beautiful blond girl in a club. 5days later we had two dates, both of which she couldn't forget- I couldn´t stop making her laugh. A black guy with a Masters degree who can entertain is hard to find here- she kept saying...

I am a charming, educated and successful 28yr old black living in the heart of Europe. Charming girls comes naturally to be, but my educational success came at a cost- long nights and weekends of studying alone and enduring stress. Oh I mean there is even more to it. It was coupled with hooking up with Internet porn and releasing my stress as many times as they recurred. I only found out it is the source of my woes from this website and now I am convinced it is. This truth cured half of my anxiety but the other 50% is the fact that I still havent succeeded solving it.

So lets talk about this gal and I. On that fifth & fateful day she couldnt stand the charm anymore but to drag me home. I was tired and drunk but ready to render. I drove her many times to orgasm saving penetration for a bit later, as a big suprise (I was so sure of myself, being a black guy). To my dismay my my manhood had shrunk to its all time smallest size- What? I made her come 3X with my hands and my mojo is dead? she saw it too and was a bit dissappointed but we took a break and went to bed. We had sex later with my morning hood- She came many times, but did not feel a think and I lasted too long for her. The next two dates we tried having sex and I wen from semi erection to no erection at all:( I have never felt this humiliated MY WHOLE LIFE. I haven't seen her in two weeks cos I´m terrified going back but we talk on phone.

Since my search brought me to this sight, I tried stopping PMO, but P I never quited- thanks to cam4, MO stopped for 4 days and now back to square one.

I still have a chance to win her back, and I´m willing to quit PMO, but I just dont get it right.

PPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSS HELP!!!!!!!!!!

lala

If its porn-induced ED, it will heal. As you can see, we have only one solution. Everything we know is under the porn & ED tab. The start here article explains everything.

It's an addiction and you need to take steps. Look under tools for change for suggestions, and support tab for forums where you can get support. I suggest - http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/

good luck

I have been rebooting for 19 days today (my longest after quite a few lapses). I felt amazing, super confident, no anxiety, more focussed.

When I watched P (I'm 30, started around 14, I think), I became addicted to more intense, rough porn pretty quickly. It's also something I've always enjoyed practicing in my personal life. Whether I enjoy this because of P or because I was naturally into it, I am not sure. It's hard to tell.

Anyway, day 15 into my reboot, I met a girl (a friend) who basically admitted she was into rough sex and wanted to do it with me, so we did it. I didn't think there was anything wrong since this was real life vs fantasy? However, I did react scenes from P with her. Since then I have definitely fantasized about her and the sex we had a lot. I've felt awful about myself since. Lost a lot of confidence + social anxiety.

What I want advice on is what I should do next. This girl wants to do it again and so do I. Should I stop seeing her altogether? Do I have sex but try hard not to fantasize about it after? Would normal sex be different to rough sex during a reboot? I can't tell what's causing the loss of confidence - the O, the fantasizing, or the roughness? I feel very lost and really not sure what to do.

Anyway, I wanted to also thank everyone on here. Since I found I was actually addicted, things have definitely changed for me. I just need to make sure I stay on the right course. Thank you.

I can't tell what's causing the loss of confidence - the O, the fantasizing, or the roughness? I feel very lost and really not sure what to do.

One guess is that orgasm may have temporarily reversed the reboot. We learn from listening to guys reboot. For whatever reason temporarily eliminating orgasms can have profound effects. Having an orgasm at day 19 is often quite different than at the 2 month period. (i'm picking 2 months for you).

I know my answer is pretty vague, but I suspect you inititaed a withdrawal, and stopped it. It doesn't mean you have lost everything, so don't view it that way.

I have been feeling very low the past few days. I had sex on day 19 of my reboot. I've been having headaches and feeling shit about everything since. Really sucks. I loved the guy I became during my reboot. I felt liberated, confident, attractive, focused and much more. I think of the scene from the movie Limitless, when he takes the transparent pill for the first time, and everything just starts to make sense. That's how I felt during my reboot(s). Now I feel terrible.

I'm truly amazed at how much P has impacted me, and held me hostage for such a large part of my life. Guys, quit P. It's very hard, but so worth it. One thing that has helped me from relapsing (I relapsed 6 times before this) is using an adult filter on my browser. I felt like a child doing this but definitely helped me so far.

I'm still on my journey and I'm really determined to get that amazing feeling back, whatever it entails giving up - sex, fantasizing, masturbation during my reboot - none of this is easy but, trust me, it's so worth it.

I'm not sure whether i posted correctly or not but at this point it doesn't matter. I'm determined to change. I've been doing this for awhile now since i was 16 and i've never really payed much attention to it. Growing up as a kid i never really had a girlfriend or anything special to do things with, i was basically a virgin living under a rock my whole life. It wasn't until my senior year of high school that i finally did get a girl to talk to and do things with. At the time i didn't know anything but i knew something was wrong. My member was not completely up to par and i could never finish. I was puzzled about this but i still continued doing what i always did...& by that i mean watching porn. Things ended with my first girl ever and on came the next, this time things started to progress more. Things still felt the same not being up to par but i figured it was normal. I was wrong, the day finally came where i thought i would lose my virginity....what could have been the greatest moment of my life turned out to be the shittiest life experience. My member would not get up when the time finally came, i tried condom and no condom and i still couldn't perform. This would be the reason my relationship would fall and crash. It only took one time to mess that up and i couldn't believe that was the reason. On came my next relationship at this point in my life i was still continueing to watch porn. I had nothing so i guess i turned to that, and it felt normal so i didn't think it would affect me. Once again i was wrong, my oppurtunity to lose my virginity was on the line again. This time my girlfriend who went away for awhile came down to visit. Prior to that visit we had talked about it and were ready to seal the deal. Everything was going great, i was up in the mood ready to go and then came the moment i had been waiting for, the more i started to think about performing prior to my last experience the worse my member fell, once again i was backed into a corner where i felt i hit rock bottom. Thank god she was my girlfriend and understood at the time, she thought it was her but i knew it wasn't her. At the time i did not know this site exist or why my problem was occurring it was bothering me so i went to visit a doctor. The doctor had told me it was either a mental problem and that id have to see someone for help. I should have started my first step to recovery here but like i said i didn't really know what my problem was. Instead of looking for help i chose the alternative way, pills. By pills I'm sure we all know what that is, thinking i was not going to strike out again by taking one of these pills i gained my confidence back. My girlfriend was finally coming down from where she had been and i had taken my pill cause i knew what the first thing we were doing when she got home. It was 6 am and i had picked her up from she had been. We got to her house and started doing things, i noticed my member was once again failing me i started to get a depressed feeling and it kept killing me it was something i could not explain yet it killed me on the inside. Nothing happened that morning and life continued itself again. I was still a virgin and life felt more harder then ever. Later that night it was Super Bowl night, i remember getting really drunk and passing out early. I guess the pill was still in effect at this point because i randomly woke up and want to have sex. Finally after the long wait my confidence was back i finally had sex. The feeling was unreal i continued to use the pills over the next 3 months because i felt that was the only way to do it. Sometimes it would fail me tho and i didn't know how to explain it i hated that i turned to that. She finally left and we broke things off. I decided to look up stuff to figure out what my problem was and then i ended up here for my first time. I took the time to read some of the the stuff and it made so much sense. I finally found my problem but i don't think i really cared still until what happened here recently. I gone 12 months without sex, but porn has been mixed in every now and then. This past saturday I was at a party and i met this really cool chick and you know i really wanted to end my streak with her.I brought her back to my house and i turned to my pill again, this time everything would be different. Everything was going good i was up to par until she finally got naked and the mood of things had changed i guess thats all it would take for me to start thinking of my problem. I started worrying about being able to perform again and everything went down hill i couldn't get up i think everything that could have been done was done and still nothing. I had never felt so lose....it was the awkwardest moment ever, you know i had been waiting for moment for so long and that happened, whats worse is she might have thought it was her. If only she knew the problem. With that being said i have finally realized my problem and i want a change for my life now. i am 3 weeks sober and i plan to continue up to 6 months i don't want to live this life. Its affected me for to long and i want a change, as others have said it won't be easy but it'll pay off in the end.

Good things come to those who wait.

porn-induced ED test: How do I know if my ED is porn-related? (TEST)  - you want to make sure that its not performance anxiety at this stage.

I also suggest looking for a forum under support.

I hope Gary doesn't get angry at me for posting this (:p), but this is my update:

50-days after zero PMO I was 99% cured of ED in real situations. Now, five months since I started, have only been getting better. 2 nights ago was the first time I had successful condom-on several-minute-penetration til orgasm with the girl *on top* (during the past 4 months I was already 'cured' of ED with condom, but only if I was on top)

However, my confession: I HAVE watched porn VERY occasionally (maybe 4 times in 4 months), unlike in the past when I was a PMO addict when I would do it every day. It does not seem to have had any bad effect on my recovery (in fact I'm even better now since porn was introduced *very occasionally*)

HOWEVER, this is my (unique) situation:

1) I have access to actual,real beautiful women for sex (so they can "compete" with pornstars in the looks department), so maybe this is one reason why the * occasional* porn didn't affect me (unlike most guys who have to do it with girls who look nothing like their porn idols).

2)Masturbation I have done more often, maybe 3 times a week but:

a) It's mostly not a product of porn. Oftentimes, in fact, it's the *days after* real sex when I'm still "hot for her" but she's not with me.

b) Moreover, I masturbate with *condom on* (which simulates more real scenario), and with a device which simulates a real female feeling.

3) When I'm aroused by porn, I do NOT satisfy the arousal with masturbation; and instead go out for some real sex with a girl who's looks are more or less up to par with the pornstars I watched.

I'm interested in what Gary or other posters may have to say about this scenario?

Cheers!

Hi all!

After all the help and support I've gotten from this community, I figured it was time for me to give something back.

This may be a long post, and some of what I'm going to say might sound contradictory to some of the messages we've gotten from this site, but know that the amount of good this site has created is astronomical, and hundreds of thousands of us from different walks of life have been helped back on our feet.

**

WARNING: SOME OF THIS IS VERY GRAPHIC AND DARK. READ WITH CAUTION, AS SOME OF YOU MAY BE TRIGGERED.

**

So what happened to me in a nutshell? I was sexually abused by my best friend as a child (he forced himself on me and violated me during sleepovers), and this in turn affected my self-esteem from age 5 onwards. Because my self-esteem and boundaries were destroyed, and there were strong overtones of emotional abuse in my household, I became very quiet, shy, and withdrawn from others, and I became the perfect victim for bullies and worse. Everything from social ostracism, to toxic friendships, to abusive teachers, to getting outright beaten up. To make matters worse, I never went to my parents with any of this, because I never felt like I could open up to them about stuff like that. It was the sort of environment where you weren’t “allowed” to be angry, sad, etc, or else you were ungrateful, or ‘had no right to feel that way’, you know?

Fast forward a few years to middle school, and I was a really awkward, angry guy, with no understanding of boundaries. Naturally, this brought about even more negativity, only it was worse, because it was primarily girls that put me down, called me ‘ugly’, etc.
Deep down, I slowly grew to distrust and hate people and resent girls, and I wasn’t even aware of it because I repressed and discounted my feelings so powerfully. I was very out of touch with myself, and had zero self-confidence. I had a very bad case of Nice Guy entitlement syndrome, and I absolutely hated the confident guys that I saw as obnoxious, who got all the girls.

Naturally, high school wasn’t a whole lot better. It was probably the most scarring period of my life. This is when I really got into porn and used it as an escape. The women on porn could never hurt me, and I could see them as I liked and could degrade them as I saw fit. Furthermore, it was in angry rebellion against the values of my conservative parents, who basically left me out to dry when it came to sex education. (To give you an idea of how they were about sexuality: you never talked about it. It was a taboo topic. And if they caught you with anything like an erotic book or picture you were ‘perverted’ or ‘depraved’. If you brought home a girl, you were ‘only going to get her pregnant, catch STD’s, and ruin your life for that skank’. Etc.)

I would go on porn for hours on end. From the moment class ended I would be running back home just so I could get an extra half-hour, and eight to ten hours could easily go by before I stopped (since my parents would come home). Quite simply put, I had no other sexual outlets. I was terrified of intimacy, and even when girls liked me I was clueless. This went on from about 14-18 years old, and by then, I was very desensitized, and had a very warped and skewed perspective on sex, women, relationships, etc. (Seriously, stuff like “All women can be turned into lesbians” was floating around in my subconscious!).

In my last year of high school, I was lucky enough to be intimate with a girl who liked me for years. I couldn’t even get it up with her, despite how attracted I was to her. She was deeply hurt, and so was I. And I was scarred in the sense that full-on sex was just too much at once; I’d barely even kissed a girl before then. Combined with the abuse (which I barely remembered, and had a distorted memory of what it was), at the back of my mind, I started to wonder “What if I was gay and never knew it?”.

University wasn’t much better. I was very isolated much of the time, watching porn, being angry and violent, etc.

After being alone and rejected by one too many girls after a time, and a history of difficulty having sex with women from ED, I was sexually harassed by gay men (I had no boundaries and shit self-esteem), and it seemed like only gay men were attracted to me and wanted me. I was so depressed, and I was totally thrown for a loop. I read articles about hocd, gay denial, coming out stories, etc for hours on end, and occasionally forced myself to watch gay porn in an effort to “check”, even though I wasn’t attracted to men, physically or otherwise.

After a while, I discovered this website and realized I had a problem with porn, and tried my best to work on that throughout university. With varying degrees of success, failure, etc. I felt absolutely wretched the whole time, and I hated myself.

Here is the terrifying part of my story though, that will totally blindside you, shock you, and throw you for a loop like it did me when I found out.

I was sexually abused again. This time by a man I considered my mentor and friend.

He was a close friend of the family; an uncle, really. It turned out that he had been grooming me for years, ever since I was 12. I just never realized that what he was doing was weird, because my boundaries were already destroyed. What basically began as seemingly innocent conversations about girls led into more explicit conversations, comments about my body, encouraging watching porn and erotic movies together and asking to see my dick, etc, until he physically abused me.

I was twenty-fucking-one when he outright propositioned giving oral sex to me. By then, I was so shaken up, so depressed, so thoroughly groomed and desensitized, so ashamed and afraid of saying ‘no’, etc, that I actually went along with it, even though every instinct I had was to run the hell home. In my mind, I ‘had to know for sure’, to make sure once and for all that I wasn’t gay or bisexual. He violated me, and he had been grooming me over YEARS. Moving so slowly, carefully, cautiously, like a spider, or a boxer probing his opponent’s defenses before the knockout punch. I didn’t realize what he was doing until it was too late.

After it happened, I felt numb. I only knew instinctively on the most primal level that he was poisonous to have in my life. He had been one of my only friends, and I looked up to him. Hell, I loved him as I would an eccentric uncle or a father that I never had. And it was so scarring to finally see him as he really was, and I realized I never knew the man at all. I have no doubt in my mind that he has abused other people. (He was also sexually abused by the way). I distanced myself from him, cut off all contact, and told my parents about everything.

A year of therapy later, and I realized that porn was only the tip of the iceberg: it was the sexual abuse, and the toxic shame about my sexuality (from my parents, peers, rejection from girls, toxic views of women, etc) that was the problem. It might have taken me years to even realize what it all was if I hadn’t gone for help.
Now, I can honestly say to you guys that I’m not addicted to porn any more, because the shame, anger, and fears and difficulties with intimacy that I had before are slowly healing, and I no longer see porn as inherently harmful, just a bad habit that can catch up with you if you do it too much (like shopping, drinking, etc). As such, the urge and compulsion to watch videos is no longer there. I’d much rather make love with a real woman, or even just hold the hand of someone I love and have a conversation with her. I've finally been able to be truly intimate with women, and I've been able to have successful, satisfying sex for the first time in my life.

So have faith, there is light at the end of the tunnel my friends. Thank you so much to all of you. You have all been instrumental in my healing. I wish you all the best on your journeys, and do not hesitate to message me if you ever have any questions.

All the best,

-Kyle B

ADVICE FOR REBOOTERS

1) Start with straight up abstaining from porn and maturbation, and have faith in the nofap community. This is the beginning.

2) Identify any cognitive distortions that porn has given you. (Ex: “Women are always primed for sex”. “All women enjoy being degraded”. “All women are bisexual.” “I deserve sex from beautiful women” “Women are objects, not human beings”. Etc etc). Write them out so you can get them out of your head and start to change your thoughts.

3) Figure out what it actually is that’s eating you up. It’s not the porn that’s the real problem. It’s the toxic shame you probably feel about sexuality, or the fear of rejection or intimacy, or the anger from childhood/adolescent wounds. You’re not a creep for watching porn or wanting sex. You’re not abnormal. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a human being. You have been hurt and had to retreat into something. And once you get to the bottom of whatever painful feelings and experiences you’ve had, and you truly start to heal, you’ll find that the desire to watch porn as much as you were before will fade away until you don’t even care about porn anymore. It’s just something that you’ve left behind. Start developing sex-positive views.

4) Start changing your actual life habits. Staying home alone playing video games or watching porn isn’t going to do much for you in the long-run. If you want different results, start changing the way you think, and what you do every day. Exercise. Go out with friends. Go out to events. Have fun! Meet people! Try new things! If you try to go cold turkey on porn (something you’ve depended on to manage your emotions and hide from your pain) without actually changing your life habits or thoughts, then of course you’ll remain dependent on porn. You are a human being with human needs, such as love, intimacy, physical gratification, etc. If porn offered that to you, you are not perverted, depraved, or bad for doing so. It was something that helped you survive. Now, it’s time to forgive yourself and change your life, so that you don’t need it anymore.

5) Forgive yourself, and change your life. Don’t beat yourself up for looking up a nude picture or looking at a video when you ‘relapse’. You’re a human being who hasn’t been getting your needs met, so your needs have been met artificially up to now. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are a member of the human race, with valid feelings, gifts, and a right to happiness. If any other person were given your experiences, they would have done the exact same thing.
In time, you’ll find that the real problem had to do with masturbating too much, and hating yourself and thinking that something was wrong with you all along. It’s the fear of intimacy, and feeling shame about sexuality that is your true enemy.

P.S: I’d highly recommend getting in touch with your true fantasies that turn you on and make you happy, no matter how ‘weird’ they might seem, because these give you the strongest indicators as to who you are and what you’re into. (Read the “savage love” column by Dan Savage to get sound advice on sexuality.)

kb